Surviving your life, not living it.

I never knew there was a difference until I started this new path in my life.

So much has happened to me from being a New York resident on welfare to a Georgia resident owning and running her own business that now it’s finally registering in my mind that I was doing just that, surviving my life instead of living it.

Growing up I could remember my mom sending my sister and I to the supermarket with a $5 food stamp. Yes, back then food stamps came in the form of what looked like play money in books because each dollar amount was a different color.

I never knew what welfare was growing up but I do remember that. So when it came time for me to start thinking about welfare after my first child was born, I was very snobbish about it. I thought I was too good for such things and to this day I have no idea why.

But after about a year, when I had a hard time putting food on the table for my child because her father wasn’t much help, I had to swallow what little pride I had left and apply for welfare.

I picked one morning, got up and went to the welfare office but when I got there people were just standing in line, I couldn’t believe it! I had to stand in line...outside where the rest of the world could see me????

I was mortified and beyond humiliated. To make matters worse, they were only going to allow a certain number of people in the center, which meant that I had to come back tomorrow bright and early to start the whole process again.

That day was the start of it all for me.

Not only did I have to come back, but I had to be at least the first ten people in line to ensure I’d even get in.

I got up extra early the next morning, stood in that line and made it in only to go through what was probably the worst part of it all, the waiting on the inside for your name to be called. I sat for hours wanting to leave because I didn’t belong but I couldn’t let my daughter be hungry or me for that fact so I sat there until my name was called.

Some of the workers would talk to you as if you’re less than human and make you feel like shit for needing the help and some were really nice. I cried a lot and took the emotional abuse, jumped through every single hoop they asked of me because I had no where else to turn.

Once I was accepted in the program, I could go to any check cashing place to pick up my money and food stamps; me and everyone else in New York City on welfare. If you’ve never had the pleasure of needing a check cashing center in Harlem, my advice to you is this; wait until the middle of the month because it’s always jam packed with all the people on public assistance and the ones cashing their social security or disability checks that get their money and stamps at the beginning of the month. I can remember the very first time I walked up to the window and gave them my welfare I.D. card with my picture on it, I was so embarrassed 😞.

I was equally embarrassed when I had a cart full of food. Some stared, others commented and I couldn’t help but feel that it was expected because I’m a single black mom.

I mean in movies or in songs people always have the same depiction of what a single black mom from the ghetto is and I used to think there was a difference, but through years of experience, I figured out that the line between being a ghetto ass mom and living in the ghetto is blurred just enough in some people eyes that to them its all the same.

It was degrading and depressing. In my mind, I was supposed to be a successful woman doing what I love, not a welfare mom with no help and the opinion of myself just got lower and lower. Over the years as my family grew, so did my dependance for my welfare and after a while I just stopped caring about other people’s opinions and the stares when I had two carts full of food because I had to feed my kids, period.

You’re probably wondering where was their father in all of this? Oh he was around.

Since I was his second wife he didn’t live with me, so it was easy to keep him out of the system, a favor for not trying to be like all the others young moms out there using welfare and child support to keep themselves in the latest trend fashion. He was working for the city at the time and making pretty good money but for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you where his money went. I stopped worrying about his money when I had to stand in that line for almost two hours while people who were actually going to a job, walk by and stare at the welfare line. It was probably thee most humiliating thing I had to do because he refused to take care of me or his daughter.

I felt empty inside for years, even broken most times and I tried to keep my mind on things that gave me joy and took me away from my world like writing and reading romance novels but escaping my reality was always a temporary get away, I still had to come back to reality.

For years after he and I broke up I received welfare though my plan had always been to get off and become financially independent, I even tried a few times. In 2000, I was working as a receptionist for an ad agency, so I didn’t need the cash but was able to keep my stamps. Then 911 hit, I lost my job and I got pregnant. Again, I didn’t have the best taste in men so I was left to take care of another child as a single parent which sent me right back to welfare.

I knew what to expect because I had spent years developing a turtle shell exterior to the whole thing. I knew the lines were long so get there early, ignore the workers that were nasty and expect it to be a whole day process, which is always was, especially during their lunch time.

I developed peripheral vision when it was time to go shopping and learned not to be embarrassed or take it personally when someone would comment, I just tuned everyone around me out. I’d go shopping early in the morning or late at night to avoid the scrutiny and I learned how to survive my life so that I could take care of my kids.

But even the most tragic story has to have some sort of a happy ending right?

One day, I was thinking back on my life and realized that I had managed to do the one thing my mom wasn’t able to do for us; keep one roof over our heads and give us structure. But at what price did I pay for it?

I stopped believing in anything that could cause me to lose all of that, my home, my medical and my food so I did nothing. I stopped writing as much, I stopped reading, I just stopped.

It was just easier to do what needed to be done or not done to stay within the requirements for public assistance and I could remember a sense of relief after every single recertification that I passed that I wouldn’t have to go back for another year, what a goal right?

Then one morning I woke up emotionally tired of the life I had. In my 40’s still on welfare, stuck universally and I decided that I just didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t want to become what I was seeing all around me to the women who stayed on welfare for too long, permanently emotionally institutionalized by a state funded program. I didn’t want to be another statistic who gives up on life so I decided to get up and fight for mine.

I spent my entire life playing it safe that I missed out on a lot. My sister would always complain that I never wanted to do anything with her but it was only because I was always the broke one who she’d pay for and I hated that, so I stayed home. It’s the worst feeling in the world as a woman to know that I can’t even enjoy a night out because I was always broke, I felt so worthless all the time.

I understand now that I am responsible for my how my life turns out, no one else. It was hard surrendering my stability of welfare for the uncertainty of tomorrow but I just didn‘t want to survive anymore, I wanted to live my life.

I want to take my entire family on vacation and pay for everything, help my sister out the way she’s helped my entire family out since I started having babies. I want to stop clothes shopping at Walmart because I can’t afford anywhere else. There’s so many beautiful places in the world to be seen and I want to see at least one. I want to fall in love with someone and enjoy the roses more.

I want to live my life to the fullest and not just survive it.

This is why I am so determined to be successful, I already know one side to life and it sucks so at this point I have nothing left to lose.

Is my life hard right now?

Hell yes it is but not in the sense that it’s not better because of it, it’s just that I’m starting from scratch on my own two feet and my biggest fear is failing.

But they say, that people don’t fail if they don’t quit and I may have been down for a while but I’m most definitely not out and no matter what happens in my life going forward, I will NOT quit ever again.

My life is the only thing that’s truly mine just like your life is truly yours. Sometimes we forget that because we get caught up in what other people think we should be doing but if no one is prepared to offer a solution to things they feel comfortable enough to give their uninvited opinion on, then I don’t need to listen and take on their fears as my facts because at the end of the day, that’s all it is, fear.

Sometimes it seems that some people get exactly what they want in life while other’s struggle and life itself will never be fair but no matter what your situation is, don’t survive your life, learn to live it. Live in the moments that you can create for yourself to give you that confidence and passion to make more beautiful moments because this is going to be your happy place. No matter what it is, embrace it with your entire spirit and live the way you were truly destined to live.