Forgiveness

I'm pretty sure if you're in a bad space the last thing you want to hear is “to forgive”. But who are we forgiving; the person or act committed against us or ourselves?

I shared my story because it was important for me to recognize the cause and effect of forgiveness when it's given and when it's not. Now, I'm sure most of us have held onto a grudge because someone down the line hurt us or our feelings and you don't generally think past that moment of pain but I'm here to tell you that the effects can last a lot longer then the act itself if you don't make amends with yourself.

I spent years running away from what I thought was the problem only to discover that I was the problem the whole time, and there's no place on this planet I was going to be able to run and hide to get away from me; heck I didn't even know I was running. With my ego leading the way, I ended up making more bad choices, all the same mistakes I had been making for year's, still not understanding, then I had the nerve to ask God why. “Why was I failing at everything, had the universe finally turned its back in me?” I shouted many times through unshed tears that refused to fall because like me, my ego was stubborn.

After countless failed attempts at trying to recreate my life and my career I simply stopped. I stopped doing everything because I felt helpless and pointless until I was forced to face my demons head-on, moving back to Harlem with my tail between my legs. I had no money, no home, no little children that needed me, no purpose and a very hurt ego; which made things worst.

Forgiving other people in the past for hurting my feelings had always come fairly easy once I decided to let go but the raw emotion I had for the people that impacted my life in such a negative way, well I wasn't ready to let it go. I thought moving away from them would solve all my problems but it didn't. I went through four of the hardest years of my life and I still ended up back to where it all started.

I couldn't believe it and even more than that, I was pissed. For months my anger got stronger, the resentment I thought was gone had returned with a fever and all I could do was live in the pain and humiliation of my failure.

This caused so much unnecessary emotional turmoil for me and I was losing control very quickly. As I began to search for the answers I stumbled across witchcraft. I was always fascinated by it but I never had the guts to do more than allow my curious mind to wonder about the possibilities for fear that people wouldn't want to be around me or afraid of my skills, whatever fear implanted itself In my mind stuck deep roots but I was at a point in my life where something had to give before I completely lost myself.

I started studying different practices, learning about reiki energy, auras, and chakras, wicca and hoodoo. I mediated each day, focused on self-care and love on myself using the many new witchy tools like spells, bath rituals, deities, the universe, whatever felt good to my spirit I learned and are still learning. Each day, I learned something new about myself and it helped me to put my thoughts into perspective. And somewhere through the teachings of universal magick and love the anger and chaotic fear sort of died down. The voices of negativity weren't so loud and I could finally hear what the higher power/ the universe had been trying to convey. Well needless to say when I finally heard the message I was not a happy woman! Of all the things I had to do, it had to be forgiveness and I knew exactly who I had to forgive. My ego was still very much in the way but once I knocked her down I was finally able to let go of all the pain because it wasn't worth my blessings.

I now understand that if I'm going to live a better way of life I can't allow myself to get caught up on project ego, there's too much fear living there. Instead, I took a long hard look at myself, I stopped blaming the world and started re-shaping myself. I can't help how people view me since the person I was before wasn't very strong but the woman I am today is completely different and I don't care how a person views me because only God’s opinion of my life matters. I realized that no matter how awful I might be to myself, God still loves me and continues to bless me in ways I never knew were possible, blessings you can't put a price tag on, so how can anyone else’s opinion possibly matter to me?

The lesson was received, acknowledged and practiced.

Now, there's only peace when I walk by, I get to stay in my happy place because I made an active choice to be a better person , not for them but for me in hopes of finally freeing myself from the bondage that I've placed on myself.

Is forgiveness crucial to your well-being? YES it is, especially for women over 40.

Once the menopause button has been activated, your life will change. For some, the transition into menopause will be easy for others like myself, it's going to be hell. You don't have time or the emotional space to hold onto things that aren't beneficial to your well-being like anger, self-loathing and hatred, all negative emotions will make the hot flashes and night sweats that much harder to deal with. You’re going to need that space for more important things that make you unique. These will be the things that make you happy and shape you into the woman you want to become during this phase of your life. Remember you can re-create yourself into the person you've always wanted to become, as long as you're truly honest about who you want really be. Remember you can't lie to the universe, only to yourself.