When the light comes on.💡💡💡

“When Stella Got Her Groove Back” is the best comparison for me. Since I started my blog two years ago I had thoughts of being more ahead than where I am today, but as my life and the gifts that’s are in front of me begin to unfold, I smiled this morning and realized that everything that I’ve been working so hard for has finally started to pay off, but not in the way you think.

I’ve been struggling for so long to find out who I am because who I was as a woman, was unacceptable and I knew it, I just didn’t know how to fix it. I tried many paths to find the answers but for each wrong turn I hit a dead end. I had to ask myself why?

The answer stood in front of me the whole time but I refused to see it. I was too afraid of what everyone would think if I breathed life into it so I buried the one part of me that I had yet to test, my sense of self.

The one thing that I could honestly say about my past is that my sense of sexuality was never a question, just everything else about me I questioned. As a young woman I seeked knowledge about sex and lovemaking. I read books, watched porn, asked questions because it was more than just physical or an art to me, it was also science. Growing up I wasn’t the prettiest and I most definitely suffered with identity displacement but I had sex appeal which gave me an edge over all the pretty girls, the knowledge of our natural pheromones and my friendly personality. That was all I felt I had to offer so I use it as a way to make men comfortable around me.

Over the years as I grew into my sexual confidence there were many things that intrigued me about the art of sex that I wanted to explore but unfortunately I had the wrong partners in the wrong kind of relationships and in the end I was left with feeling shame for who I was and frustrated because I felt trapped by my own feelings.

That all changed a few weeks ago and I swear it feels like an entire weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know some women are naturally confident in their 40’s but I’m not. I started having babies from my 20’s until my mid 30’s so I never had a chance to grow into the woman I’m working on now and I’m not ready for what comes with age, it’s not fun.

I need to wear glasses when I read now, my bones are so loud when I walk that I would never be able to sneak up on anyone, they’d hear me coming. I think I found some chin hair and what the hell is up menopause?

There’s so many things that I’ve missed and now that most of my children are adult, I want to bring who I am to the surface and let her hair blow in the wind just once before my time is up. I can’t fight time but I won’t be going so gracefully either. I’m going to be as sexy and as universally strong for as long as I have breath in me.

My path is clear now with no more doubt in my heart that I’m doing the right thing because I stood at the cross roads with nothing left to lose and I followed my heart. I said good-by to the woman I no longer could accept to make space for the woman I am today.